Be sure to Click LIKE at the bottom of this article, and share it everywhere!! By Craig Andresen – The National Patriot and Right Side Patriots

I should like to address those amongst us who have been, for the past few of weeks, hording toilet paper. You know who you are.

We have seen you on the news and splashed about on social media with your shopping carts piled with a mountain of toilet paper in such a fashion that one would require a Sherpa to reach the summit were one so inclined to plant a flag atop Mount Charmin.

This, you claim, is because of the coronavirus, otherwise known as COVID-19.

COVID-19 is a RESPIRATORY illness.

For those amongst you who seem woefully unaware of what a RESPIRATORY illness is…it affects the lungs. That is the UPLOADING system, not the DOWNLOADING system. That is to say that contracting COVID-19 will not, I repeat NOT give you a case of the galloping guano however, HAD you contracted a virus with galloping guano as a symptom, to be perfectly honest, and giving due consideration to your mental state at this point you would now most likely be hoarding…

FLONASE.

That said, allow me to now point out a few other things having to do with your particular toilet paper fetish…

AOC, that bastion of brilliance in Washington D.C. told us all that the world would end in 12 years because of “climate change,” more commonly known as the weather. Then Joe Biden reduced that time frame to 10 years about a month ago, no doubt a number supported by the rainbow farting unicorns Joe so often sees. But then, about two weeks ago, Bernie Sanders pitched in that we have only 7 or 8 years before the world ceases to exist.

Given the most recent prognostication, you toilet paper hoarders whom I suspect aren’t smart enough to sit the right way on a toilet seat have now stockpiled enough of that which shall not be squeezed to allow you to happily crap yourselves silly for a full year and a half past the appointed apocalypse.

Congratulations, and good luck.

The obvious question I am compelled to ask is NOT why you believe you NEED that much toilet paper, rather…WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU EAT?

Other than toilet paper, you same knot-heads have also bought out the western hemisphere of hand sanitizer.

Let me explain something that should be so simple even a liberal would understand it…in order to slow or prevent the spread of COVID-19 via the use of hand sanitizer…OTHER people aside from YOURSELVES need to sanitize THEIR hands as well.

In other words, if someone whose hands are germ encrusted because YOU have all the hand sanitizer touches your germ-free hands, or anything your germ-free hands might come into contact with, guess what? Your multiple 55 gallon drums of hand sanitizer means absolute DIDDLY.

People like you shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without being required to wear a helmet.

Let me now address quarantine, as there seems to be lots of that going on.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY will henceforth be asked to quarantine themselves as apparently, quatantinees are OFFENDED by the term. Just as it is no longer socially acceptable to refer to liberals as retards, and we must now refer to such as “short-bus riding left –leaning voters,” quarantine has now been replaced with…”social distancing.”

We have been informed by the “short-bus riding left leaning voters” of the mainstream media that we must “practice social distancing.” We must “socially distance” ourselves from others for the duration of the COVID-19 outbreak, or until the world ends of the weather, or until you’ve used your last square of toilet paper.

My question is why stop there?

Why not maintain “social distancing” well past the doom and gloom scenario? Tell you what…if you’ve been hording toilet paper and hand sanitizer, when this is over, and contrary to your popular belief it will be over, don’t come near me, practice your “social distancing” and bugger off. Now I know what you’re wondering. How will we recognize one another so as to keep our distance? Simple…you can recognize me quite easily from my red MAGA hat and a smile that can’t be wiped from my face with a bucket of Clorox sheets, and I’ll recognize you by your helmet.

There seems to be all sorts of ways to keep oneself from coming down with the COVID-19, and one of AOC’s fellow liberal squad members, Ayanna Pressley has lit upon a real corker.

According to Pressley, “We must release prisoners because they might catch coronavirus.” Now wait just a “short-bus riding left-leaning voter” minute here…do you mean to tell me that in jail, prisoners could come down with the COVID-19, but out and about, free-range criminals would be IMMUNE? If that’s the case, there is no need for “social distancing” or the hoarding of toilet paper and hand sanitizer…is there?

Polite, law abiding members of society, in Pressley’s world won’t get the crud, but the incarcerated will become the infected. If she’s right, there is no need to close restaurants, bars or movie theaters.

Schools on the other hand should be closed. Not that they are prisons, but because the risk of liberal indoctrination is far worse in such asylums than the risk of the uncommon cold.

Then there’s Deborah Frank Feinen, the Mayor of Champaign, Illinois and a real sausage of a liberal if ever such existed, who has developed her own novel way of fighting the novel coronavirus. She has proposed banning the sale of guns, alcohol, and gasoline to stave off impending weeziness. Call me crazy but none of that sounds like it would put a dent in the pandemic, but being as we’re talking about Illinois here, why don’t they just hang a bunch of COVID-19 FREE ZONE signs on doors and gas pumps and if it works out as well as the GUN FREE ZONE signs have…problem solved.

So far, there have been fewer than 100 deaths attributed to COVID-19, or roughly a typical weekend’s worth of shooting deaths in the gun free zone of Chicago.

That particular liberal sausage of a Mayor is also proposing the direct shutoff of power, water, gas, etc, taking possession of private property and obtaining full title to same, and violating parts of the Open Meetings Act as other ways to prevent people from catching the virus. NOT that she’s describing a government takeover of anyone’s daily life, or banning their ability to repress such tyranny, or not allowing the public to attend city council meetings so as to hide what fresh nonsense they’re up to…nope, nothing like that. It’s all about keeping you safe from the dreaded and wild COVID-19 bug don’t ya know.

In NYC, another sausage of a liberal Mayor has put in place a 8pm to 5am curfew to stop the spread of COVID-19. Apparently, during the day, you can’t catch it in the city that never sneezes.

Okay, here’s a little something that should leave you scratching your heads rather than blowing your nose…

You coronasnowflakes out there, what’s the deal with this? Every day on the news, hell…every hour on the hour we are regaled with the numbers of people not just in our country, but around the globe who are becoming COVID-19 infected. In place “A” today, there were 6 men and 2 women who tested positive. Over there, 28 men and 31 women now have the coronavirus. Somewhere, 2 men and one woman died of it even though they already had underlying health problems.

Right?

Well, WHY IN THE HELL HAVEN’T ANY OF THE 79 OTHER GENDERS YOU LIBERALS CLAIM EXIST CAUGHT THE CORONA BEER FLU?

Apparently NO self-respecting germ would lodge itself in the nasal cavity of someone who self-identifies as a kumquat, and come to think of it, I have yet to see a photo of Bruce Jenner pushing a shopping cart so full of quilted Northern as to be visible from space.

Militia Conservatives have been stockpiling dehydrated meats and fruits for years and they have more powdered eggs in their zombie apocalypse bunkers than Patton’s 3^rd army had on their march across Europe, but they probably forgot to hoard toilet paper, and Conservatives, who by the way have the majority of weapons and ammo that aren’t in the hands of criminals in Chicago can always go out and shoot something to eat. Liberals on the other hand are TERRIFIED of the notion that they may have to hunt their own food.

They don’t even know where Doritos and Oreo cookies live, never mind the fact they they lack the firearms necessary to bag a bag of either.

And finally, for those folks out there carrying the overwhelming burden of common sense…those who purchase a simple two week supply of toilet paper and who use a squirt or two of hand sanitizer a few times a day rather than believing they must marinate in the stuff…

If you are perplexed by the utter lack of toilet paper in your local grocery or big box store, I offer to you a simple solution.

Dryer sheets.

Dryer sheets are soft, and absorbent.

Dryer sheets will end annoying static cling.

Using dryer sheets as an alternative to toilet paper will leave your keister smelling of lavender which I admit might well confuse your household pets, but will come as a welcome and pleasant change to those who aren’t social distancing themselves from you.

Dryer sheets are also renowned for removing wrinkles…senior citizens…are you paying attention here?

In fact, you could find that you like using dryer sheets so much that when the insanity dies down, and the world doesn’t end, you might just want to continue the practice, but on the off chance this catches on, and your store’s shelves become Snuggle free, there is yet another tact you might try.

Hillary Clinton’s book.

Get the paperback edition as the pages are less slick, and therefore better for the purpose, and the unglossy truth is that there are just some places where you do NOT want a paper cut.

Honestly, we don’t need a vaccine for this…all we need to do to cure COVID-19 is to shut off the mainstream media news.

Problem solved.

Copyright © Craig Andresen/thenationalpatriot.com 2020/ All rights reserved

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For more political commentary please visit my RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS partner Diane Sori’s blog The Patriot Factor to read her latest article, The Great Toilet Paper Rush of 2020

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