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By Craig Andresen – Right Side Patriots on American Political Radio

It’s that time of the year when visions of sugarplums start dancing in one’s head and our thoughts turn to the festive gatherings of families and friends.

Christmas…from the reason for the season, to jolly ol’ St. Nick…from the giving of gifts, to food, fun, laughter and decorating.

Christmas is a time for celebration unless, of course…

You’re a liberal.

With that in mind, allow me to provide, not so much as a set of rules, but more as a source of information…

The Liberal’s Guide to Christmas.

Here we go…

First and foremost…don’t call it Christmas. It pisses off the muslims. Call it “the season” or “winterfest” or some other completely nondescript thing because Christmas is a nod to Christ…and liberals hate that.

During the seasonal period of liberal scorn, there are several key things that must, at all cost, be avoided.

There will be no, and I mean NO chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Open fires burn wood, which as any liberals will tell you is a fossil fuel and there will be none of that. Besides…the vast majority of people must be prevented from something as enjoyable as a roasted chestnut so as to protect the overwhelming vast minority of people who are allergic to nuts…such as that one in a thousand child…that one in a thousand airplane passenger…or lesbians.

There will be no depictions of anything resembling a manger scene that can be seen by the public…unless…Joseph and Mary are depicted by Joseph and LARRY…the baby Jesus is portrayed as an illegal aliens anchor baby named HEY-SOOS, and the three wise men include a black dude, an oriental woman, and a transgendered Hispanic.

Sheep are okay.

Liberals like sheep.

There will be no Frosty the Snowman.

Frosty was white.

That’s racist.

There will be no stockings hung by the chimney or any place else.

Hanging things is condoning the actions of the Klan…and that’s racist.

There will be no singing of “White Christmas.”

That’s racist.

Children during the winterfest seasonal whatever it is liberals call it will certainly NOT be allowed to get dressed up as elves because that is cultural appropriation of midgets, and don’t call them midgets…they’re “little people,” and anything you might write about little midget people must be written in lower case because they’re not tall enough to read anything in upper case.

That’s according to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

There will be no sharing of home baked cookies. They haven’t been approved by the federal government, they contain sugar, and they may well contain nuts.

See above and remember…lesbians are allergic to nuts.

No Elf on a Shelf. It is insensitive to little people because it amounts to torturing children who should be allowed to express themselves in any way they want to. Besides…the behavior of your own child is none of your business.

That’s why we have a village.

There will be no Christmas villages because no Christmas village in the history of Christmas villages has a welfare office as part of the set and poor people will feel excluded.

There will be no showing of “A Christmas Carol.” That movie starts out good because Scrooge is an evil bastard, but by the end of it…it celebrates capitalism and generosity that is not mandated by government. On a similar note…no “It’s a Wonderful Life” because the savings and loan gets bailed out by kind-hearted people rather than by the cold-hearted government.

No singing of carols…with the possible exception of “Deck the Halls” because liberals like the idea of everybody donning their gay apparel.

Nutcrackers are allowed so long as no nuts are involved.

Lesbians again.

There will be no asking Santa for things. If there’s something your kid wants that your kid doesn’t have…vote democrat and liberals will appoint a board to decide what your kids needs and gets.

There will be absolutely no giving of gifts. You might get something better than someone else gets…and that’s not fair. Somebody’s feelings will get hurt and there aren’t enough therapy puppies to go around.

Until such time as liberals can determine that all eggs fall out of free range chickens running amok on organic farms…and find a way to tax whatever the hell a NOG is…there will be no egg nog.

No reindeer games unless everybody gets a trophy just for showing up.

No…and let me be clear on this…NO YULE LOG other than the one controlled by liberals on TV.

Global warming.

And how do we know liberals control the yule log on TV?

It doesn’t give off any heat, and there’s no Christmas music with it…that’s how.

Christmas Eve will henceforth be referred to as “The Day and Evening Before That Other Day.”

No coal in bad kids stockings.

Global warming again…and besides…there are no bad kids according to liberals, just behaviorally challenged young people…and there’s support groups and medication for that.

No Christmas trees. Somewhere between $600 million to $1.1 billion dollars gets spent every year on real Christmas trees, and that has to stop as it benefits private businesses. Christmas tree farms will be shut down so that the land can be put to use growing bean sprouts for vegans and the 150,000 people who work on such tree farms will be put on welfare so that the government can better control them.

No mistletoe…it promotes sexual assault.

No outdoor decorations. Those things offend atheists and because atheists don’t believe in anything, your Griswaldian display means that you do…but shouldn’t. Inside your home, if you must decorate…keep your drapes pulled or atheists from states other than your own, who have never seen your house, will sue you.

Nothing says N-O-E-L quite like the ACLU.

If you insist on any sort of traditional Christmas feast, you must invite a family of illegal aliens to dinner, and if you insist on saying grace before the meal begins…you must all also put your heads on the floor and raise your asses skyward 5 times before desert is served.

Liberals know muslims weren’t even invented until about 600 years after Jesus died, but that’s no reason not to force their inclusion in your silly Christian traditions.

Those who fail to heed the muslim call to prayer during the passing of the potatoes, will be stoned with those hard dinner rolls that explode when you try to slice them open with a butter knife.

Now then, where the official Liberal’s Guide to Christmas is concerned…do not, under any circumstance…wish anyone a “Merry you know what. Liberals are, as a rule, never merry. They’re victims…self-imposed or pretend…and as such, have nothing about which to be merry, and Christmas is, in and of itself, offensive to those who worship big government, detest faith of any kind, or have as their primary belief a belief in believing nothing.

No dancing or prancing,

No singing or bell ringing,

No tidings of joy, or behold the boy Kinging.

No wrapping or cards or popcorn on strings,

No drummer boys drumming or five golden rings.

No secrets or wishes, or Claus Misters or Mis’ess,

No Scrooges or Grinches or once a year dishes.

No night before stories or buttons or bows,

No chimney, no sleigh and no shiny red nose.

No cookies or milk,

Or trees that reach ceilings,

Because libs will claim you might hurt someone’s feelings.

No festive lights, or wreaths on your homes,

And last but not least,

NO CHRISTMAS POEMS!

Okay, all of that said, you good people have a couple of options…

You can lower your IQ’s into the single digits until political correctness starts to make sense and have yourselves a completely miserable last few weeks of the year…or…

You can gift wrap your middle finger and give it to liberals while getting your merry on, remembering the reason for the season, sharing your joy with others whether or not they believe as you believe…stringing enough lights on your house to confuse pilots, and water board the kids with an Elf on the Shelf until they straighten up.

You can light up a yule log, drink some nog, deck the halls and go to the malls.

When someone says “Happy Holidays”…tell them “Merry Christmas” in return. Say it loudly and proudly and don’t let political correctness prevent you from kissing somebody under a sprig of mistletoe…or a piece of kale if you can’t find mistletoe because after a few drinks, in a dimly lit room nobody can tell the difference anyway.

But…

If you really want to see a liberal squirm…invite one over for Christmas dinner…ask Jesus to Bless President Trump during grace…and then give that liberal a romaine lettuce salad.

Just remember, above all else…regardless of how you celebrate Christmas…

Lesbians are no fans…of nuts.

© Craig Andresen/thenationalpatriot.com 2018

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For more political commentary please visit my RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS partner Diane Sori’s blog The Patriot Factor to read her latest article A Point of Light Shines Bright

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RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS…LIVE!
Friday, December 7th from 7 to 9pm EST on American Political Radio, RIGHT SIDE PATRIOTS Craig Andresen and Diane Sori discuss ‘A Point of Light Shines Bright’; ‘The Liberals Guide to Christmas’; the funeral of George Herbert Walker Bush, and important news of the day.

Hope you can tune in at: http://listen.samcloud.com/w/73891/American-Political-Radio#history…or on Tune-In at: https://tunein.com/radio/American-Political-Radio-s273246/