We all know the basics of the story of the first Thanksgiving.

We know of the Pilgrims, their friendship with the Indians and how they came together at a feast to celebrate the first successful harvest.

But…

What if the story were written TODAY using LIBERAL mentality and a COMMON CORE approach to what liberals and socialists must surely see as THE most politically INCORRECT story of America’s history ever told?

Oh…How the story would change.

First of all…The Mayflower.

The ship that carried 102 Pilgrims to the new world would be HERALDED by the liberals for using WIND POWER and the Pilgrims CHAMPIONED for being GREENIES!!!

It’s not like they had a choice for had it been available in 1620…The Pilgrims would have CERTAINLY foregone the grueling 66 day journey for a 4 or 5 day cruise in a ship belching smoke and throwing the leftovers from each day’s all you can snarf buffet…overboard.

Next…

It would NOT have been a combination of scurvy and various contagious diseases mixed with exposure that killed half of those first Pilgrims in the winter of 1620…

It would have been the lack of a redistributive socialist healthcare system that took them to their graves.

Oh, the humanity.

In what liberals would describe as the 1^st MULTICULTURAL FESTIVAL, the Pilgrims would have NEVER been met, when they went ashore in the spring of 1621, by an ENGLISH SPEAKING Abenaki Indian.

THAT fellow, by a liberal altering of history, would have been an Abenaki NATIVE AMERICAN intellectual who founded the first government school and taught the Pilgrims HIS language through the use of visual aids and a healthy does of hugging. Once the Abenaki and the Pilgrims had agreed that each should speak in the other’s language to be as multi-cultural as possible…They could proceed.

That Abenaki professor introduced the 50 or so remaining Pilgrims to a Pawtuxet Indian named, Squanto, who taught the Pilgrims how to work the land to yield crops.

Not so fast…THIS is the LIBERAL 1^st MULTICULTURAL FALL FESTIVAL and, having a garden variety Indian in this version simply won’t do.

Therefore…

SQUANTO would be transformed into a…

TRANSGENDERED NATIVE AMERICAN who had been kidnapped by an EVIL CONSERVATIVE, INTOLERANT sea captain and sold into slavery only to escape in London and return to his tribe on LGBT CRUISE AND going on to, not only teach the Pilgrims how to plant, fertilize and cultivate their crops but…

GIVING THEM THE KEEN FASHION SENSE TO HAVE MATCHING BUCKLES ON THEIR HATS AND SHOES AND TEACHING THE MEN OF THE PILGRIM COLONY HOW TO WALK IN HIGH HEELS!!!

While the liberal version of Squanto never had sex reassignment surgery…They claim he DID look fetching in a Petticoat  and bonnet and NOBODY BULLIED him because the Pilgrims and Native Americans alike were…OPEN-MINDED about such things.

Besides, according to liberals…BULLYING wasn’t invented until the advent of REPUBLICANS.

And that, naturally, brings us to the very first Thanksgiving.

While no copies of the formal, printed invitations or menus exist because…THOSE were things that RICH, EVIL, REPUBLICAN Pilgrims did…We do know, from a Pilgrim who wore Birkenstocks and journaled that…

Governor William Bradford organized a hunting party to gather foul for the feast.

No…Not in the common core version of the LIBERAL 1^st MULTICULTURAL FALL FESTIVAL OF ANIMAL RIGHTS…

In THIS version, the Pilgrims didn’t come to America for religious freedom OR to cling to their muskets…NO, no NO…

The LIBERAL Pilgrims came to be free FROM religion and would have feasted on BEAN SPROUTS and TOFU because…MUSKETS KILLED PEOPLE AND THE PILGRIMS WERE BIG ON MUSKET CONTROL!!!

While the PETA Members of the Wampanoag tribe DID bring 5 DEER for the feast, it was well known that all 5 died from a fit of laughing at seeing Squanto in a dress and were, therefore, fit to be devoured because of their abject intolerance.

The ducks were inadvertently dispatched by a Puritan wind farm.

And what of the main course?

Well, according to social gossip of the day…

They were free range Tea Party turkeys and, they had it coming.

Now…We all learned that the Pilgrims cooked their feast over open, wood fires because they had no ovens and they used spices brought to them by the Indians because they had run out of their own during that 1^st harsh winter but…That just won’t do for the LIBERAL 1^st MULTICULTURAL FALL FESTIVAL AND ANIMAL RIGHTS, SOCIALIST RALLY!!!

Open, WOOD fires require the cutting down of TREES and TREES have FEELINGS so…

In our Common Core version…

The meat was cooked over a bonfire fueled by burning other people’s money and, when the fire got low…THEY JUST PRINTED SOME MORE!!!

That feast, the 1^st Thanksgiving feast, was said to have lasted 3 days and there were several reasons for the length of the event.

There was the fact that there was no refrigeration and therefore, no way to store the leftovers and bean sprouts tend to turn on you after 2 days so…

Also…The Pilgrims and the RED SKINS got all caught up in inventing FOOTBALL so they would have something to watch during the 2^nd Thanksgiving and…

Let’s face it…The Indians had never been INVITED to such an event and, being the half-NAKED savages they were, had no idea when to politely…GO HOME!!!!!

This will have to suffice future generations who will be steeped in liberal indoctrination, revisionist history and common core school curriculum but, the REAL story of the 1^st Thanksgiving is only available to us via the writings of one who was actually there.

Edward Winslow who, in a letter to a friend written less than a month after that 1^st Thanksgiving penned: “Our harvest being gotten in, our Governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after a more special manner rejoice together, after we had gathered the fruit of our labors; they four in one day killed as much fowl as, with a little help beside, served the Company almost a week, at which time, among other Recreations, we exercised our Arms, many of the Indians coming amongst us, and among the rest their greatest King Massasoit, with some 90 men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted and they went out and killed five Deer, which they brought to the Plantation and bestowed on our Governor, and upon the Captain and others.”

What WON’T be taught in schools under the revisionist history of liberals is that socialism, the practice of combining all harvests into a single pool and parsing it out equally to each of the colonists of Plymouth nearly wiped out the Pilgrims in 2 years because, too many failed to do the work and too many reaped the rewards of the sweat of other’s labor.

Wrote Bradford: “For this community (so far as it was) was found to breed much confusion and discontent, and retard much imployment that would have been to their benefite and comforte.”

It wasn’t until 1623 that Governor Bradford allocated a plot of land to each Member of the colony to be worked for each Member’s own harvest…Self-reliance…That the colony at Plymouth flourished.

Bradford wrote, “they should set corne every man for his owne perticuler, and in that regard trust to themselves.”

The success of this was also recorded by Governor Bradford: “This had very good success; for it made all hands very industrious, so as much more corne was planted than other waise would have bene by any means the Govr or any other could use, and saved him a great deall of trouble, and gave far better content.”

24 years later, in 1647, the last year Bradford kept the history of Plymouth, he wrote of the 1623 plan: “Any generall wante or famine hath not been amongst them since to this day.”

Bradford had, in fact, provided survival as the incentive to work rather than to glean an entitled share of the work of others. He was the father of American entrepreneurship establishing private property where those who once claimed to be too ill or too old to work, began to produce even more than they could use and, with the excess, traded for pelts and other commodities with the Indians, with other colonists and those who were sailing into the port.

So…Tomorrow, you can either celebrate the 492nd ANNIVERSARY OF THE OCCUPY PLYMOUTH ROCK LIBERAL 1^st MULTICULTURAL FALL FESTIVAL AND ANIMAL RIGHTS, SOCIALIST RALLY or…

Gather with family and friends, thank God for the blessings you’ve had and celebrate Thanksgiving like the civilized human beings…The Indians and the Pilgrims did, in 1621.

Happy Thanksgiving Patriots!!!