BREAKING!!!

Today, the FPI, (Food Police Idiots) the top law enforcement agency of the Nanny States of America, has issued an all points bulletin for a TERRORIST so vile, so despicable, as to be the cause of death and general mayhem to our nation’s children and children through the known world.

The bulletin reads…DEAD or ALIVE!!!

If YOU see this individual, call the FPI immediately.

DO NOT APPROACH!!!

THIS TERRORIST IS TO BE CONSIDERED DEADLY!!!

As we understand, via unnamed and anonymous sources, SEAL Team 6½ is now on HIGH ALERT and ready to spring into action without due credit to be given, upon the issue of a memo to be delivered to Admiral McRaven.

Appearing now, at the top of the FPI Most Wanted Terrorist List is…

Betty bin Crocker.

Bin Crocker is wanted for baking weapons of mass destruction, producing cookie aroma nerve agents, and distribution of IED’s (Incredibly Edible Delights).

Bin Crocker, once the subject of an all out hunt in the mountains and caves of Tora Bora is now thought to be hiding in a kitchen compound somewhere in Massachusettstan,  but satellite images are, at this time, inconclusive.

Caught single handedly by Obama, bin Crocker’s top Lieutenant, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, has been asked, politely, the whereabouts of this heinous terrorist; but sadly, due to the ban on enhanced interrogation techniques such as kneading or slight belly pokes with an index finger, no credible intel has been garnered.

Other high level terrorists in the al Dente terror network…The Hamburgler, the Frito Bandito and a man know to international intelligence services as…Burger King (real name unknown) have been killed in drone strikes over the last 3½ years.

The Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man, Graham Cracker and henchman Hershey were, regrettably, burned to a gooey cinder in s’more drone strikes.

It seems evident that bin Crocker has been the root of evil at Massachusettstan school bake sales for some time. In an effort to stem the destruction, the Commonwealth is set to decree that no further such sales be held.

The entire al Dente terror network adheres to a 12^th century religious manuscript called…the Cookbook and is notorious for their abysmal treatment of women, keeping them in the vicinity of a 350-degree oven at all times.

Women, under Shitokke Law, are required to adhere to a very strict dress code. They must wear oven mitts, aprons and of course, when in school cafeterias, hair nets.

Women caught in defiance of Shitokke codes, are often sconed to death or have their meringue whipped, in public, until it forms stiff peaks.

THIS JUST IN!!!

Joe Biden has been quoted as stating, “The Muffin Pan is not, per se, our enemy.”

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

The Muffin Pan, second only to al Dente, is responsible for the continued obesity of children everywhere. Many an IED has been baked by the Muffin Pan and distributed at bake sales over the years and most members of the Muffin Pan turn them out a dozen at a time.

While the Commonwealth of Massachusettstan reportedly is engaged in a catch and “strategic release” program, sending some members of the Muffin Pan back to the kitchen if they simply promise not to reengage in Banana Nut warfare again, there seems to be no system of tracking them and no available numbers regarding their further fattening of children.

FPI Director, Michelle Obama, stated, “We all know the numbers. I mean, one in three kids are overweight or obese, and we’re spending $150 billion a year treating obesity-related illnesses. So we know this is a problem, and there’s a lot at stake.”

FPI Director Michelle Obama went on to say, “There’s no expert on this planet who says that the government telling people what to do actually…Dumphs annna gudph…HRRRRRRFFFFF…AAAAACCCCKKKK….” at which point the Heimlich Maneuver was performed and 3 school issued Tator Tots, a Funnel Cake, part of an Almond Joy and a complete Mounds bar were expelled.

According to White House spokesblatherer, Jay Carney, “Sometimes you feel like a nut…Sometimes you don’t.”

While the White House seems to have great concerns over individual states employing their own measures regarding illegal immigration, to the point of suing Arizona over THEIR efforts which mirror federal immigration law, so far, not a peep has been heard regarding an individual state, Massachusettstan, taking on Home Ec terrorism.

If successful, the Massachusettstan surge could well be employed in other states.

Schools, which have for decades relied on bake sale homemade goodies, cakes, cookies, pies and the like, to fund everything from class trips to sports team equipment across the Commonwealth of Massachusettstan, will now have to alter their methods should bake sales be outlawed.

Here’s a suggestion.

All schools in Massachusettstan should change their names to Mahican, Massachuset, Patuxet Pocahontas or Squanto and open their own casinos.

There are no reports of any kid anywhere getting fat shooting craps and let’s face it…There’s lots more money to be made with slot machines than by selling cupcakes.

Before anyone starts thinking that such a solution may go too far, I believe there are 2 things which must be considered.

1) Going after Betty bin Crocker with guns blazing and ridding Massachusettstan of school bake sales is a half-baked idea at best.

2) Middle School casinos however…are a cash cow!!!